Just The Two Of Us: Sharing Mother's Day
May 9, 2010
Hi! I’m FemiKnitMafia, a 35-year-old lesbian mommy with a deep and abiding love for sassy outdoorsy hard-femmes wearing Fluevogs. The name FemiKnitMafia was created as a nod to the old ‘feminist mafia’ insult bandied about by conservatives in the 1990s. In fact, I love the idea of a feminist mafia, so I reclaimed it, and when I started knit-blogging, I shifted it slightly. Mostly, people just call me The Mafia. And I love it. A lot.
Just the Two of Us is a new blog that Diffuse 5 asked me to write because they love hearing stories from a single lesbian mom who’s still negotiating a divorce, parenting Little Man (my nearly 7-year-old son), and starting to date again. So what better way to kick off this series than by creating my first post on Mother’s Day. Enjoy.
Sharing Mother’s Day
This morning I woke up, as I usually do, with a little boy in my bed. Most mornings, I wake to: “I’m hungry. Can you make me some breakfast? Mom, wake up. Hey, wake up. Mom? Mahhhh-ahm. Mom. Mom.Mom.Mom!” And then the cats chime in.
This is a wee snapshot of my life as a single mom. My only pre-caffeine role is to feed the various beautiful creatures with whom I share my space.
Back in the married days, Xifey (My ex-wife. My co-parent. Periodically, my nemesis.) and I would negotiate the family sleep schedule. We each got one weekend morning to sleep in, during which the other mom tried to keep the kid and the animals quiet. In a family household, extra sleep is a precious gift to give and receive.
Now, our custody arrangement gives me one sleepy weekend morning per month. Twelve sleepy Sundays per year. The rest of the time, I wake up to “Mom.Mom.Mom.Mom.Mom…..” Even on Mother’s Day.
Even before Little Man was born, we talked about how to share Mother’s Day, and what to do about Father’s Day. At one point I contemplated adopting Father’s Day for my own. I thought, as the non-bio Mom, perhaps I could reclaim and redefine Father’s Day for the parent who didn’t give birth to the child. Or for the butchier parent. But I didn’t want my kid to be teased on the playground, and really … if I was more male-identified, I would’ve fought that fight. But I’m not particularly butch, so fitting myself into Father’s Day didn’t feel right. While “Mom” was a cloak I felt completely comfortable wearing.
And so it began – the sharing of Mother’s Day weekend. For the first 4 years of Little Man’s life, we cobbled together some semblance of sharing. We tried to ensure that each Mom felt honored and nurtured and rested. But it didn’t really work so well. Part and parcel of the whole marriage, I think. For the past 3 years, we’ve split Mother’s Day weekend, alternating who gets Little Man on Saturday vs. Sunday. And like most compromises, nobody’s thrilled, but we can all deal with it.
This year was my Saturday year. And now that he’s nearly 7-years-old, I thought he’d be ready for the selflessness that Mother’s Day demands. I was wrong. During Saturday morning’s discussion of plans for the day, he was horrified when I told him that I got to pick our activities because it’s Mother’s Day. I wanted to go to the NH Sheep and Wool Festival, where I was planning to meet up with a whole flock of my friends and their children. He did NOT want to go. He cried. He pouted. He told me I was being “unfair” and “mean.” I said, “I get 1 day per year, and you get the other 364. Isn’t that unfair? And now you won’t even let me have my one day?” He wouldn’t budge. I resorted to “Don’t make me call your grandmother!” a woman he adores with such ferocity that the sheer mention of her name usually shapes him up. He still didn’t budge. I sent him to his room, he flopped on his bed and cried.
After a little cooling-off period (for both of us), I tried the rational explanation again. It didn’t work. So I finally said, “If I have to carry you downstairs kicking and screaming, I will. This is my day and we’re going to NH. You’ll have one hour in the car to get it together. Feel free to pout for the next 60 minutes, but when we get to NH, you’d better get it together, or there will be consequences.” He was pissed. I was hurt. And there’s no other mediating adult to help out.
So we just scowled at each other. I stuck my tongue out at him. He growled at me. I tickled him. He grabbed my hands and sat on them. I grabbed his little butt. And we dissolved into wild tension-releasing giggles.
Then we got into the car, drove an hour north, and wandered around greeting old friends, eating festival food, shopping for Christmas presents to stash away, and petting farm animals. He was polite, cheerful, and endured a whole lot of boring adult conversations without too much fuss.
Overall, it was a hard lesson for him. And for me. But you know what? This morning, he woke me up with a kiss, said “Happy Mother’s Day” and fed the cats, giving me a precious gift of 5 extra sleepy minutes.
22 Responses to Just The Two Of Us: Sharing Mother's Day
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Hooray! So glad you’re back!
Now when are you and little Man going to come visit the farm again?
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Mothering is not an easy thing and I’m not sure we do our kids any service by always putting them first. Some may learn the spirit of giving, others learn that the world that is all about them. It is important that we remind them about giving and having a spirit of unselfishness toward the people that are closest to them. It may take years of reminding, but we have to do it. And hey, I think C had a good time anyway, right? If it makes you feel any better, my middle daughter decided that 9 pm was a good time to show up (leaving her bf in VT any earlier might have been considered thinking of someone besides herself) and arrived without the joint gift that it was her responsibility to get. She is terribly sorry. I don’t care about the gift (although I think her sisters might), but I think you know how it feels. She may as well have thrown herself on the bed in tears over coming at all.
It was great to see you both, and I missed you today. I had a card for you……. -
katrina says:
Thanks for sharing. Seems like the kid is a quick learner–it took him less than 24 hours to learn the importance of not taking awesome moms (people) for granted. A lesson that I’m sure will serve him well in life.
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Aparna says:
Hey You!
That was an adorable story. You may not know this now but he is going to love you for all the disciplining as much as he will for the spoiling – but it’s going to take another 25 years.
Happy Mother’s Day!
love,
A.L.
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Love seeing you back, Mafia!
Great story. I love that he fed the kitties for you Sunday morning. He’s a good egg.
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Suzanne says:
I love the way you write, and always have. Nice to hear it in this venue.
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Learning [for both of you] is what life is all about. You’re a great Mom, Mafia and someday it won’t be so hard for the little guy to understand what that one Day for you is … he’ll give you many days instead.
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Carry says:
Glad to see you are back and to read your stories with little man.
Looking forward to much more!
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Marisa says:
Keep writing, I’ll keep reading. Welcome back.
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Bertha says:
I am so, so glad that you are back!
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So good to read you again! Great post, and sorry to have missed NH this year (and by extension, you and Little Man)
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Amy W-P says:
Welcome back, Mafia! I’m so glad to read your posts again. Best wishes to you and Little Man!
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Leaderoftherevolution says:
Welcome back Mafia – it’s about time
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Goldberg's Trashcan says:
I saw Fluevog and didn’t need to read anymore on this one. I would give my left foot for a pair but then that would defeat the purpose.
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Welcome back Mafia! I have missed your whit and humor!
Happy belated Mother’s Day!
Hard to believe that Little Man is 7 already. Time marches on and now with you back on the interwebz, we can all catch up and tag along.
Never forget that you must be the center of your circles and LM will learn that he must share himself with you as you do with him. This job called motherhood is the hardest one we have but in the end is also the most rewarding.
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Lisa says:
Good to see you back on the blogging path! Zola and I miss you!
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Yay The Mafia is back! So nice seeing you in NH and Little Man is adorable. He was a really good sport. Looking forward to many more posts.