Just The Two Of Us: The Veto Club
May 19, 2010
I’m a sucker for a pretty girl, and for the most part, I’ve made some excellent choices over the years (I’m talking ‘bout you, S, D, M, M, D, C?, K …). But of course, the one choice that mattered the most was not my best. There were red flags from the very beginning. I ignored them. No doubt she saw red flags too, because nothing’s entirely one-sided. Which means we both ignored the red flags, and unfortunately, those red flags came back to bite us in the ass.
After the ass-biting incident of ought-7, I heard from several people that they never really liked Xifey, and didn’t think we were a good match. “No shit, really?! Where were you guys for the last 7 (bleeping) years? Why didn’t you say anything?” Of course, being reasonable and respectful people, they didn’t want to “stick their noses where they didn’t belong.” Which made total sense. But I still invited them, in the future, to stick their noses any damn place said noses would fit. I might’ve said “For the love of God, please stick your nose in. Stick it wherever. Pretty please.” They agreed.
And so began The Veto Club. The Club is a small group of people with whom I established a pact. If they agreed to share their reservations BEFORE I married someone, I gave each person 100% veto power. Members of the Club are: my mother, my brother, my best friend of 14 years, and my kid. Next time around, if there’s a next time, I will only get seriously involved with someone if The Veto Club unanimously approves of her and us.
I think The Veto Club is a great way to involve the people who know me best, and to absolve myself of total decision-making power. It’s a tiny bit like an arranged marriage, only more flexible, more modern, and less … well … arranged. Perhaps I can call it an “approved marriage.”
If you want to be part of the Veto Club, you need a pass a simple test:
1) Have you ever seen me cry?
2) Have you ever changed my diaper, pulled my hair (when it was long), held my hair during an intoxicated puke-fest, or puked on my shoulder?
3) What shape is the birthmark above my knee?
4) Would you catch the next plane if something tragic happened in my life?
5) How much do I weigh & what is my pants size?
6) Do I regularly kiss you goodbye?
7) Where do I hide the candy in my house?
8) What was the name of my favorite cat & what’s her story?
9) If you ran into Kate Winslet or Neko Case, would you introduce us?
10) What’s the story behind each of my tattoos?
How’d you fare? Are you ready to be part of The Veto Club?
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- FemiKnitMafia (aka “The Mafia) is a 35-year-old lesbian mom with a deep and abiding love of sassy outdoorsy hard-femmes wearing Fluevogs. She’s also a veteran blogger, who started blogging in 2005, and built a loyal following of readers, many of whom have become close friends. She took a 2-year blogging hiatus while her divorce was being negotiated. Since the divorce still isn’t finalized, the gory details won’t appear here. In fact, her lawyer-friend Kathy might scream “NOOoooooOOOoooo…!” when she sees this blog. We promise she’ll be careful, Kathy.
14 Responses to Just The Two Of Us: The Veto Club
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Danielle says:
1) Yes.
2) No. But we need to drink together more often, anyways.
3) Strawberry?
4) No. You only live 15 minutes away. (OK, OK, I’ll admit to some pedantism there.)
5) I know both of those things, but will refrain from posting on the internet.
6) Nope. Only on special occasions
7) In a big tupperware box in the cabinet above the stove. Um, I mean, I have no idea and definitely didn’t dip into it last time I babysit for Little Man.
Aw, man, I dunno. I feel like I’ve heard that story too. It’s not Grace, but another cat that you had when Grace was younger. Named after a famous feminist, I think. And she got hit by a car, I think. The cat, not the feminist. Though maybe she did too. I wouldn’t really know.
9) Really? And the chances of that happening are … ? Slim to none, I would wager.
10) The one on your ankle for your grandma, the one on your back from the Irish place you visited on your honeymoon, what else am I forgetting?Also, you KNEW that I would answer the quiz questions, didn’t you? I think I did pretty well. Though not well enough to earn veto power. But maybe well enough to earn “express my opinionated opinion on a regular basis” power? Oh wait. Nevermind. I already do that
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Also, damn you, automated emoticons.
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Carry says:
Funny! I really do believe we have some parallel life shit going on at times.
I, too, have created a veto club. Same thing happened after psycho ex and I finally parted ways. Everyone came out of the woodwork saying how much they hated her and didn’t understand my attraction. Even MY MOTHER had held her tongue and she never had before that. I thought I was crazy for having my doubts about her.
A few select people now have total veto power for me dating anyone seriously. Including my therapist who has promised to help me with any red flag dodging (something I seem to be very good at).
Best of luck sweetie. <3
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Brilliant. Just brilliant. I am pondering who to put on my own Veto Club (committee? It’s not really a club, though club sounds better). And implanting the idea in my kids’s psyches heh.
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zee says:
well.. maybe more of us should have that going on. after being in a long term abusive relationship and now meeting the most amazing person i’ve ever met… i only wonder if all the reticence coming from my mother and brother regarding my old relationship was supposed to raise some ‘awareness’ on my side. well… i guess that when we think the other one is “the other one” we really don’t want to see those warnings.
congratulations on your club! -
Leah says:
I too had a veto club. My next few girls after the psycho ex DID NOT PASS. My lovely wife did of course, with flying colors. This blog is making me happy you have come a LONG way my friend and long way. You seem to be healing. HOORAY!
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Maryse says:
So I didn’t know you back then and I know I’ll never qualify to make it into the veto club (which is fine) but I did once tell a friend not to marry the father of her unborn child because he was an asshole. And after she screamed at me and accused me refusing to grow up (whatever that had to do with anything) she married him anyway and didn’t talk to me for 4 years. When she filed for divorce. Just so you know telling a friend the truth has its risks. I promise though that I will always tell you the truth if you ask me what I think.
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Manise says:
I flunked most of the questions, though am here should you need my opinion or help at any time. Brilliant idea your Veto Club!
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@Danielle – you’re pretty close. I think this is the first time you got less than 100% on a test. And, YES, of course I will always want your opinion.
@Carry – Definitely parallel life shit. From opposite coasts. Best of luck to you too!
@zee – so glad to hear that you’ve found an amazing person! Congrats! Also – I love it when new readers comment. Keep it up!
@Leah – your wife is the epitome of flying colors!!
@Maryse & @Manise – I will always ask you what you think, my insightful friends.
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Good to see you back blogging! But I’m having trouble with the RSS feed for this blog – I can only get the one for the whole Diffuse5 site – which isn’t really of interest to me down here in Australia. Bloglines can’t find the one for this section. Help!
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@M-H — Good to see you here!!! The RSS feed for the blog is located at the top of the blog archive page:
http://www.diffuse5.com/category/blogs/just-the-two-of-us/
Let me know if that works for you.
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I fail the test completely, which is fine (although I do wish I could answer yes to at least one or two of those questions). I will, however, stand behind or beside you when needed
So good to see you back, sugarpop. -
I know that I would fail this test, BUT I am okay with that. What I do know is that I will stand beside you, behind you or walk in front of you if that is what you need. After 17.5 years with an abusive man (father of my beautiful daughters) and 10.5 years with his lesbian twin counterpart I took the time to develop myself and with the help of my daughters and my counselor I dipped my feet back into the waters and found what I was missing. I will admit that it is not perfect but it is as close to perfection that I think I can find. Let those you have chosen be your strength and when you need to vent, you know where to find me…
Having been caught in a similar kind of vortex of bad relationship decision-making, I know the pain of not having a Veto Club. Wish we could veto lots of stuff, like I’d veto rascal flatts and offshore rigs.