Just The Two Of Us: Just the One, thankyouverymuch
June 2, 2010
Last week, I was helping a dear friend tweak her art exhibit, which is hanging at our local coffeehouse. I was there alone, but she brought the youngest two of her three children. Both are phenomenally well-behaved kids, but when you’re attaching prices to your art, at the first exhibit you’ve ever shown, when you consistently devalue your art, concentration is critical. And, concentration and kids are oil and water. So she tossed the toddler into the stroller and asked me to walk her around the block. Happy to do it, I swung the door wide, ignored 4-seconds of separation-anxiety-howling, and set my pace to maximize the soothing effects of the rhythmic thud-thud-thud of stroller on sidewalk. Just as I rounded the next corner, I ran smack into a particularly friendly neighbor.
“Well hello, Mafia. Beautiful day, isn’t it?”
“Yes, Joseph, it’s a great day for a stroll.”
“So who is this? Did you have another baby?”
“Oh God No … Nope. Nooooooo. No, she’s not mine. Nope. One is enough. I’m all done. No thanks. Happy with what I have. Nope. No more kids for me … ahem … This is L. She belongs to my friend. I’m just walking her around the block…”
At which point, I realized that I was babbling and over-emphasizing my point, so I made some excuse about sidewalk-soothing the baby and practically ran away from the conversation.
A block later, I started giggling at my over-reaction to his very simple question, and I took a photo [above] to capture a stroller driver’s beautiful view of baby soft hair, gently kicking feet, and a little head constantly surveying the landscape. It’s a privileged vantage point, which allows for periodic stroking of that soft baby head.
Starting to walk again, I noticed my reflection in the next storefront. There I was, behind a stroller. All of a sudden, the view was odd, even jarring. It was a vision I hadn’t seen in a long time, and it didn’t seem right.
I’m no longer a stroller mom, and judging by my reaction to Mr. Friendly Neighbor, I don’t want to be a stroller mom again. That brief conversation was a deep, visceral confirmation of what I’ve suspected for the last couple years: I don’t want any more children.
The ‘More Kids?’ question is ever-present when you’re dating. In fact, dating forces you to think about your life goals, your odd personality quirks, and what odd personality quirks would complement yours. I suspect I’m not the only single woman who spends an inordinate amount of time thinking about my perfect match. All this reflection gets a little self-indulgent and periodically, nauseating, but in theory, I’ve developed a good sense of self. At some point in the self-reflection, I decided against additional kids. For lots of reasons: I don’t want to pay for daycare again; don’t want to wake up in the middle of the night; don’t want to further complicate Little Man’s life; and most importantly, I don’t want to be distracted from Little Man, the best kid ever.
Despite all these excellent rationales, there’s still a nagging voice inside saying ‘What if you meet Ms. Perfect, and she really wants more kids? Are you absolutely sure? Shouldn’t you be more open-minded? Remember the soft baby head?’ Rinse. Repeat.
But now, thanks to Friendly Neighbor Joseph, I am absolutely sure.
I think.
Unless you’re Ms. Perfect and you’re reading, and you want more kids.
‘Cuz I can be open-minded. Yeah …
___
- FemiKnitMafia (aka “The Mafia) is a 35-year-old lesbian mom with a deep and abiding love of sassy outdoorsy hard-femmes wearing Fluevogs. She’s also a veteran blogger, who started blogging in 2005, and built a loyal following of readers, many of whom have become close friends. She took a 2-year blogging hiatus while her divorce was being negotiated. Since the divorce still isn’t finalized, the gory details won’t appear here. In fact, her lawyer-friend Kathy might scream “NOOoooooOOOoooo…!” when she sees this blog. We promise she’ll be careful, Kathy.
We asked her to blog for Diffuse 5 because we love hearing stories from a single lesbian mom who’s still negotiating a divorce, parenting Little Man, and starting to date again.
16 Responses to Just The Two Of Us: Just the One, thankyouverymuch
-
Stacy says:
Sounds like the broken record that constantly plays in my head, aside from the dating and “Ms” references.
-
LOLOL – and note you haven’t even tackled the question of what if she already has kids – it’s so complicated!
-
@Sara – In an ideal world, Ms. Perfect doesn’t have kids. BUT … I’m trying to be open-minded. And if push comes to shove, or love comes to roost, I’d be more open to ‘already has’ than to ‘wants to have’. Those two scenarios have very different emotional realities and long-term impacts on Little Man.
This is a post that’s already in first draft status. Can you tell?
-
Erm, I have so many things I could write in response. But I’m fairly certain that none of them would be coherent at the moment. So, I’ll leave it at “I hope Ms. Perfect is childless, and wants no children. Also, that she is a redhead. And that she identifies herself to you soon. Please and thank you.”
-
Still giggling.
See for me, it’s really complicated. I have a relatively short list of “requirements” for my next love. One is that they have to like children (mine included). Often, if folks like kids, they acquire them somehow…so personally it’s hard to rule out more kids entirely. I do appreciate being way way beyond the baby phase, and it’s really nice to borrow other folks’ babies for a few minutes. And, on some level, I trust that someone will love and value my kids as important if they also have their own kids – they get it.
Then there’s the usually quashed wish for a “do-over” pregnancy since I did mine so absolutely horribly, but that’s COMPLETELY not going to happen in real life. No freaking way. There’s a built in “probably wouldn’t survive” clause LOL so it’s not even a question.
I guess in the end, it’s not about a toggle rule of “they have to have kids” or “they can’t have kids” – but it comes down to the person in question. Which – yeah – duh. Personally, I guess other features/qualities are more crucial and there is a definite toggle switch
hurry up and get that next post out of draft status…
-
Katrina says:
I have the “do I want ANY children” more and more lately. I used to be pretty certain I didn’t want children. I love my nieces and nephews and don’t need any of my own thankyouverymuch
But, it has started to pop into my brain with more and more frequency for several reasons. First, I’m moving into my mid-thirties (tic-toc-tic-toc). And then there is my dad explaining to me all the ways that lesbians have families these days and I should consider giving him some more granchildren before he is too old to enjoy them–ummm, awkward. And I also wonder, if I meet Ms. Right and she wants children–would I pass her up. I love love love children, but I also love love love my freedom. I guess my point is that this is a question that is also on the minds of singles in general not just single moms. Glad to know that I’m not alone in my (I think) certainty on this question. -
Becky says:
OMG! The “are you having any more??” question drives me insane! Why do complete strangers feel the need to ask such personal questions? How do you respond? “My uterus doesn’t work any more.” “I didn’t like the first one.” I agree Mafia, the one I have is perfect. And I’m too damn lazy to get up every two hours! ;P
-
@Danielle – Yes, please and thank you.
@Sara – True that people with kids instantly ‘get it’ and require no training. Good point.
@Katrina – Never thought I’d hear that from you! Wow. I’m really truly not alone in this certainty/question.
@Becky – LOL! Questions from strangers are endlessly fascinating. It’s true – our kids are both perfect (or at least perfectly imperfect!).
-
nina says:
this post and subsequent comments made me wonder: is it more difficult to be a straight woman who doesn’t want kids or a lesbian WITH kids? both seem to draw a lot of busybodies and rudeness… i know it’s sort of off topic, but you got me thinking…
-
Having met Little Man, I must say, I can totally understand you not wanting to concentrate on any kid but him–he’s pretty special! But it’s OK to want to rub other people’s babies’ heads sometimes too.
I’m still at the stage where I get the “are you ever having any?” question, usually followed by some variation of “because the clock is ticking!” Right now, my answer to myself is “almost certainly yes, but not immediately, and if for some reason it never works out, I’ll probably be OK with that too.”
-
clearly you got me thinking on this one -
is it sorta similar to the question you might have had if your xifey/little man/you family had stayed intact – re whether you’d have considered more than one child? I mean, is part of the issue that you think one kid is just the right number, and regardless of how you get there (one family, or divorced then building anew), would you have decided that one-but-no-more was right for you?
I admit I sorta worried when moving from one kid to two – Hannah had moms all to herself for three years, and then had to share. And how could another be as perfect as she? (That one is just something anyone has to trust. They are both entirely and utterly perfect.) Once I realized that sure while there’s a level of “loss” with two (divided attention and all that), there would also be a huge level of gain – it was ok. Hannah just had the bonus of solo attention for a few years. Now she has the bonus of a sibling. Both miss out on the bonus of living in a three kid family…. And the reality is that two kids is perfect, and awesome, and just right – I can’t imagine life without the both of them.
So the answer apparently is to just go forth and date and sort it out as it plants itself in front of you
-
Leah says:
you should have more kids! you’re a great mom. I understand the want be just wait ’til Ms. Right comes along (and she will). Make the decision with her…
If you want to have more try the twins route…
-
I have an odd perspective on this, since I don’t want any more kids, nor can my body provide them (yay! let’s hear it for the crones!), but I am still and will always be a stroller mom. (Short version for all who don’t know me: I have a severely disabled 16-year-old son (and also a severely 14-year-old 14-year-old daughter).) You know how people always say they wish their kids could stay two forever? I know they don’t mean it the way I take it, namely a barely controllable urge to scream, NO YOU DON’T.
Kids grow up, whether you have one or ten of them, and that’s as it should be. They grow out of being two and five and, if I’m lucky, 14. The great part of not having any more is that you can still experience those ever-so-sweet moments, the soft little head in the stroller… and you can quit whenever you want.
-
Carry says:
I’ve had this question bouncing around inside my head for many years. I have two kids. One is now, officially, an adult. The other is in the double digits.
Now? Now I no longer want more. I don’t want to start over and I don’t want to date anyone with kids younger than my own.
Before I used to like the idea that if I met Ms. Perfect that we could have at least one together. I think I liked the idea of having a baby with a perfect partner more than the idea of the baby itself. I’ve been a single mom for a long time, and even when I wasn’t I didn’t have very good partners in parenting. So, really, I think I wanted a bit of a do over, versus more children.
Now I like my friends having children. I can smell the baby heads and coo at them and then hand them back over and go home to sleep through the night.
-
Wow, as the official Big Mama (grand mother) in the contingent and a lesbian as well, I love the comments and feedback. I believe that while we can, and should, make certain decisions about our life, we must also remember that there is no perfection and we must be realistic and flexible. I am certain that Mafia would be an excellent mom/parent again if Ms. Perfect wanted to add to the brood, AND if Mafia was in full agreement. Key word in the equation is agreement. Take your time dear Mafia and for now just keep putting one foot in front of the other….
I love my nieces and nephew dearly, but yeah, spending time with dueling duos makes me think one is a much more manageable number. Now if I can just convince the husband that having any is a good idea.