Between Her Sheets: We’re Bringing Sexy Back
February 16, 2012
Now that we got you all hot and bothered with last week’s post, we’re gonna reel it back a bit this week. (We’re such teases!) We hear you’ve spent the last several days cleaning out your closet and that not-so-little drawer by the bed. Vaginal voodoo! Ahh! Who knew? We feel bad about the pain and anguish we caused you. We do. That’s why this week we’ve decided to tone down the controversy, and give you some suggestions for NEW toys. It’s only fair we help you recuperate and just in time for some post-V- day make up sex too! (Forgot the flowers, huh?) We’re super-duper helpful like that. We know. No need to thank us.
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Fornicating Femme: “Wait. We get to spend this week thinking about sex toys again? My, my… I may never be productive again.”
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Buttinski Butch: “That’s more than we needed to know. But, yes. Personally, I didn’t toss any of my tainted toys, but maybe a few people were inspired to purge last week. I thought we’d each pick one favorite and tell everyone why it’s so great.”
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Fornicating Femme: “I’ve got mine all picked out then. The Under The Bed Restraint System. Oh wait, no. The My Private O Vibrator. That one is so discrete someone could carry it around in their pocket! Oh, but what about… This may take a while.”
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Buttinski Butch: “Well while you work yourself into a frenzied, oversexed fit over there, I know what I want to talk about. The Hitachi (aka ‘the Cadillac of vibrators’). Check out the reviews at drugstore.com where 87% of the 242 respondents would recommend this to a friend. Do not be scared by its size, or the fact that it plugs into the wall, or its size. Really, it’s huge. But it’s totally worth it. The Magic Wand is usually applied to the vulva or anus for stimulation. Sex educator Dr. Laura Berman recommends the wand as a beginner vibrator, but it’s a thrill for the more advanced as well.”
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Fornicating Femme: “Oh that’s a good one. No fair! That was just on the tip of my tongue… so to speak. Seriously though, don’t put the Hitachi on your tongue. I can’t imagine that would go well. I’m not sure it’s a beginner vibrator either. Pretty intense.”
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Buttinski Butch: “This is MY review. You pick your own toy. But Fornicating Femme is right. Although I have used the Hitachi during oral, I don’t suggest this for extended play. Even on a low setting, your mouth may go numb. Unless that’s part of your fun, it’s worth avoiding. Other setbacks include the short length of the cord and the material. The wand is not silicone. With a 2.5 inch thick porous head, it’s not exactly easy to throw a condom over the end. Possible, but not practical. So only share with fluid bonded partners and be prepared to replace this one between new partners. The sound is rather discreet considering its power of 24 Watts or 600 rpm. Whoa! But while the vibrator may not have a loud hum, beware. If someone is watching TV in the other room, they’ll know you’re up to something that either involves power tools or jerking off. The juice this baby pulls from your outlet drains other electrical sources causing lines to roll down a TV screen and overhead lighting to dim (in more rare cases). Trust me. I am speaking from experience here.”
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Fornicating Femme: “I know this all sounds a bit scary, but Buttinski Butch knows what she’s talking about. That 2.5 inch powerhouse of 600 rpm means fun for TWO. If you already have a Hitachi or plan on picking one up, straddle your partner next time she decides to give the magic wand a whirl for the ride of your life. Simultaneous orgasm. Oh. My. God.”
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Buttinski Butch: “Oh, Familiar/Forthcoming Femme. Always full of new ideas… and stealing my thunder. I haven’t even reached the climax of my review! As I was saying, some doctors actually recommend the toy for women to increase genital sensitivity. In 2008 Danish research showed that more than 93% of a group of 465 chronic anorgastic women could reach orgasm using Hitachi Magic Wand and the Betty Dodson Method. But please consult and expert on this plan. I have found that frequent, long term use makes it temporarily more difficult to enjoy less intense stimulation like oral sex due to decreased sensitivity. I must be doing it wrong. Maybe I just don’t understand moderation…”
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Fornicating Femme: “You? Have an issue with moderation? No way.”
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Buttinski Butch: “That’s right. I’m all about extremes. And the best was to take your Hitachi to the next level is to accessorize like any dapper butch would. I have favored the G-Spotter and the Wonder Wand by Vibratex myself, but these extensions are made of food-grade vinyl. In other words, they’re porous and you should use a condom. If you have a bigger budget, the Deluxe G-Spotter and Gee Whiz Attachment are also options made from silicone with even more natural shapes to them.
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Fornicating Femme: “Well since Buttinski Butch has already mentioned a vibrator, let me go a different route. Another one of my all time favorites is the E-Glass Screamer Glass Dildo. Some like it hot; some like it cold. I like both. A lot. The Screamer can go in the freezer (or fridge) for cold play or be warmed in boiling water (careful- don’t burn your hu- ha). I suggest starting with the smaller rounded tip, moving slowly onto the beads (take your time) and then turn it around to finish (my favorite part) with the bulb on the other end. Maybe in your other end! In fact, why not buy two?”
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Buttinski Butch: “Wow. I hope your roommates are open minded about what you keep in your freezer! This puts a whole spin on the ‘no meat in my freezer’ rules set forth by vagetarians. Oops, sorry. I mean vegetarians.”
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Fornicating Femme: “Oh, I don’t think anyone would have suspicions about what’s in that pink velvet bag in the freezer. Perhaps an oddly shaped burrito with a fancy package? I guess it is a bit narrow for that. Which is my only real complaint about this toy, by the way. I wouldn’t mind a little more girth. The curve is really nice though. Really hits the spot, so to say. The shape also makes it easier to handle. Another fun fact I picked up while researching this toy, you can get a Virtual Sex Cock & Ass. We do not have any pending reviews on this one…yet. I mistyped ‘glass’ and there it was.”
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Buttinski Butch: “I’d never even considered that.”
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Fornicating Femme: “It’s a big, sexy world.”
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Now you’ve heard what we have to say. What do you like to play with? Pleeeeease tell us. Yes, we’re begging.
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The writers:
Keira (aka Not-so-Finicky Femme) is a totally awesome righteous femme, who’s never sure how comfortable she feels identifying as femme. She likes Converse All-Stars, PBR, The Beer Hoodie, and sex with hot girls. People still think she’s straight sometimes anyway. Weird.
Sam (aka Benevolent Butch) identifies as genderqueer, but finds herself interpreted as and speaking from a butch perspective on the regular. One weekend, a fellow Diffuse 5-er exclaimed that Sam just HAD to be at the local female – transsexual / transgender / intersex / genderqueer friendly – kinkster / BDSM / fetish demo. You know, just your typical Sunday Funday afternoon. Swoon. Sam suddenly realized… or maybe just finally embraced the fact that she’s pretty much always looking for any excuse to talk about sex. And an idea was born.