The Diffuse 5 11th Hour Emergency Ptown Checklist
May 23, 2012The High Holy Days are upon us, Diffuse 5. Boston Pride is but a stone’s throw away, and this upcoming long weekend marks the annual Great Lesbian Pilgrimage to the Sea. If Pride is Gay Christmas, then Memorial Day Weekend in Provincetown is, like, Gay Thanksgiving, only with less turkey, more margaritas, and sunscreen-slicked beach volleyball instead of snowy high school football (major upgrade). It’s truly a magical time to be a queer woman.
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Sadly, I will not be joining you all in this year’s Bacchanalia, as I’ll be out of the state for a wedding (where I will be taking full advantage of the open bar and probably busting out a mean Macarena). As the only dyke in Massachusetts who won’t be making regrettable choices at the Crown and Anchor or gorging myself on the Lobster Pot’s freshest catch, I offer you all my best wishes for a fun, safe, and sexxxy weekend. Have a drink or five in my honor, OK? Can you do that for me? Of course you can. You’re a trooper like that.
Before you board that Fast Ferry or jump into your/your roommate’s/your ex’s/your ex’s roommate’s Subaru Outback, it’s critical to do a last minute check through your luggage to make sure you’ve packed all the essentials. Odds are good that by Day Two, you’ll be too broke and/or inebriated to successfully purchase anything you might have forgotten that’s more complicated than a bag of Baked Doritos or a can of Red Bull. Don’t worry, weekend warriors – Diffuse 5 has got your back, as always. Here’s a sure-fire, can’t-fail, 11th hour emergency Ptown checklist to ensure that you’ve got all the necessary equipment to party like a pro at the end of the world.
1.) Swim wear. Unless you’re planning to get all your beach time in at Herring Cove, I’m afraid that you won’t be able to swim au naturel without attracting the attention of the authorities or some probably-already-terrified heterosexual tourists. A couple sets of bikinis/board shorts/rash guards should do you just fine; it’s always good to have a backup in case one set is still wet or was eaten by sharks or something. Just kidding – there are no sharks in Ptown! Haha, right? …Uh, please? You know what, never mind. Don’t swim in the ocean, ever, because it’s full of flesh-eating nightmare creatures that don’t even care about Gay Thanksgiving. Just stick to the hotel pool, where the bartender makes colorful mixed drinks and nothing tries to gnaw your leg off.
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2.) Enough clothing for an assortment of events. I know what you’re thinking: “Bren! Again with the wearing of clothes? You’re missing the whole point of this weekend.” Yes, well, I’ll be wearing a three-piece suit and uncomfortable shoes while you’re in T-shirts, cargo shorts, and flip-flops, so quit your bellyachin’. A lot of people (femmes, I’m looking at you) tend to over-pack for weekends away, while other (*cough*butches*cough*) may under-pack. Guys, it’s not that hard. Just think of what sort of activities you’ll be doing – beach, dinner, club, cruising the Town Hall restrooms (gross), shopping for a new Hitachi, etc. Then plan an appropriate outfit around that activity and multiply it by number of times said activity will occur. It’s like math, only I can do it.
3.) Toys. Lots of toys. Toys of all shapes, sizes, materials, and colors. I can’t stress the importance of toys enough. I mean, how awkward would it be if you were to meet some hot little number at the Boatslip, and when you take her back to your room, you don’t have a single toy available to make your evening special? Definitely make sure your toys are clean before playing with them; nobody likes a dirty toy. Actually, you should probably just go ahead and pack a whole separate bag of toys and toy care accessories, just to be safe. Frisbees, especially. Gotta love tossing those suckers across the sand. Oh, and a kite! Kites are awesome. Maybe a couple of beach balls or checkers or travel Monopoly or – wait, what did you think I was talking about? Perv.
4.) Sunscreen. Everybody’s free to wear sunscreen, even queers on a multi-day debauchery bender. Skin cancer isn’t cool, kids. If not getting cancer isn’t motivation enough for you to lather up with the SPF 50, try this.
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5.) Your cell phone (and charger), with the numbers of ALL your exes erased from it. This is the most important item of all. Remember: friends don’t let friends drink and text ex-girlfriends to confess their still-burning love at 2 AM while wandering the streets, shoeless and crying. This has been a Diffuse 5 PSA.
With that, my friends, I wish you smooth sailing and the most memorable of Memorial Day Weekends! Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do, i.e. drunk texting your ex while skinny dipping with sharks and playing Guess Who. Actually, that sounds pretty epic. If you live to tell the tale, we’d love to hear all about it in the comments. Over and out.
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Bren
Bren is a self-identified butch lesbian geek Masshole with a passion for comic books, action figures, queer issues, flannel, and pretty femmes. She’s also the founder and resident Friendly Neighborhood Butch of the blog Buzz Cuts and Bustiers.
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Diffuse 5 is a website providing events, news, articles and interviews for the lesbian, bisexual, transgender and queer community in Boston and beyond.
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