First off, despite my grandest daydreams, I am not a four-star general in the United States Army Corps of Butches. Hell, I’m not even a sergeant.  Secondly, I try to follow a strict No Gender Policing code – I’ll never tell somebody that her hair or clothes or voice or Prada purse (Prada makes purses, right?) isn’t “butch enough.” You wanna rock a Louis Vuitton clutch with your scuffed-up Timberlands? Do you, my friend.  Just do you. And honestly, as somebody who hates beer, struggles to build IKEA furniture (why don’t the instructions have WORDS, you Swedish fiends?!), and couldn’t hit a softball to save her life, I’m really in no position to pose a Masculinity Litmus Test.

Now that I’ve turned my intro into one giant disclaimer, let’s get to the good stuff: Bags! For Butches! Who want masculine bags! But not because they feel obligated to do so by heteronormative gender presentation rules! Exclamation point! Friends, your “manly” satchel options are not limited to 10-year-old L.L. Bean totes and plastic shopping bags from Niketown. There’s a whole world of stylish-yet-rugged luggage out there, and I’m about to guide you through it like a flannel-clad Virgil.

The backpack. Traditionally the territory of school children, hiking enthusiasts, and Dora the Explorer, backpacks can also be the faithful companions of urban warriors. Real world example: My life is basically a giant circle between my place, my GF’s place, and the office; rarely a day goes by when I’m not lugging my laptop, charger, a change of clothes, and a stack of comic books around Metro Boston in my big ‘ol plaid Yak Pak.

What, that’s not badass enough for you? OK Chief, try this Sprayground Hello My Name Is backpack on for size. It’s all like, “Hey Corporate America, I’m mocking your stupid conference name tags via my awesome fashion sense, on my back. Whatchu gonna do about it?” Or if you’re nostalgic for those angry teenage years spent holed up in your room, blasting Drowning Pool and sticking safety pins into your black Invader Zim hoodie, you might appreciate their Explicit Content pack.

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Perhaps you have dreams of hitchhiking across America with nothing but a backpack and a dog-eared copy of On the Road. God, you’re such a hipster. But even hipsters need to carry stuff, I guess, so here’s a retro-style Herschel Little America hipstery backpack just for you, hipster, perfect for all your mustache combs and Moleskine notebooks and T-shirts of bands I’ve never heard of. Kerouac would be jealous.

Are you a sporty dyke? Do you need to carry all your sweaty socks and Adidas shorts and Dr. Scholl’s Odor-X spray back and forth from the rugby diamond to the softball court to the basketball field, or wherever it is that people play sports? Put it all in this Converse Star Chevron cinch bag, which I’m sure will look great against the rippling muscles of your toned athlete’s back. Meanwhile, I’ll be watching “how to do a push up” videos on YouTube and grumpily chewing on a Special K bar.

The messenger bag. Dressier than a backpack, but less stuffy than a briefcase, messenger bags are great for the everyday transporting of flat objects. (Sidebar: If you need to haul 50 lbs. of queer theory textbooks or like an entire case of vegan tofurkey jerky, keep in mind that messenger bags distribute weight in a not-at-all ergonomic way that will make your shoulders and back feel like the Hulk just gave you a bear hug.) I’m a fan of military-style canvas messenger bags, like this one from American Eagle or this WWI-inspired Red Cross medic bag from Rothco. If you’ve got some cash to blow through, you can go a bit more high-end, like the Stussy Manhattan Portage X bag or the leather Billykirk schoolboy satchel from J. Crew. That last one makes me want to bust out a slate and practice my readin’, writin’, and ‘rithmatic while a dour schoolmarm watches, ruler in hand. Yeah, I have some weird kinks.

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The briefcase. Here’s a shout-out to all the Power Lesbians out there or, as I like to call you, the Joannes. You bravely traverse the boardroom, the courtroom, and the dressing room at Brooks Brothers everyday so the rest of us slobs don’t have to. Shouldn’t you have corporate accessories worthy of your capable hands? Well, speaking of Brooks Brothers, they’ve got this tweed briefcase that I love, but will never be important enough to carry, so maybe one of you could carry it for me. Or, if you like to keep things minimalistic, try this Samsonite traditional leather attaché. If you’re making an executive’s salary, then this fantastic-but-holy-crap-expensive Dunhill London single document satchel is a chic option.

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I hope I’ve found a bag that fits your unique, masculine-of-center, right-smack-dab-in-the-middle-of-awesome tastes, Diffuse 5-ers. Do you have any other sack-gestions? As in, suggestions for sacks, meaning bags, meaning…I need to not use the word “sack” so many times on a lesbian web site. Excuse me while I slowly and awkwardly back away towards the comments section.

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Bren
Bren is a self-identified butch lesbian geek Masshole with a passion for comic books, action figures, queer issues, flannel, and pretty femmes. She’s also the founder and resident Friendly Neighborhood Butch of the blog Buzz Cuts and Bustiers.

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Diffuse 5 is a website providing events, news, articles and interviews for the lesbian, bisexual, transgender and queer community in Boston and beyond.

Right. So like most people, the commercials are my favorite part of the Superbowl or as some folks call it – the yearly Patriot-pounding event. This year we saw some classy ads. There was the Audi vampire, the over-sized dog, and my favorite the naked M&M.

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Actually market research suggested that the M&M’s commercial was one of the top rated spots of the game. Not bad, right? But another hard-hitting spot was the half-time Chrysler ad starring Clint Eastwood. Sure it was motivational, but it also seemed politically motivated didn’t it? All the talk of pulling together and rallying – it almost sounded like an undercover ad for the Obama campaign – and it looks like I’m not alone in this theory.

When corporations become involved in political movements, it can get a bit tricky can’t it, and I tend to wonder where the line should be drawn. I know I’ll never see Target in the same light.

And perhaps Starbucks can speak to this a little better after last week, as they seem to be facing some backlash due to their same-sex marriage support in Washington State. The coffee bastion in conjunction with Nike, Microsoft and Google, publicly endorsed marriage equality in the rainy state. Starbucks released a statement claiming that they have a “lengthy history of leading and supporting policies that promote equality and inclusion”.

We all know what happens next right? Ah – (insert sarcastic font) clearly this means Starbucks “hates God”. Yes from California to Iowa, the calls for a coffee boycott are in full force. Bob Vander Plaats of the Family Leader, you know the guy who wrote the “Marriage Vow” released a video (which has since been taken down) and announced false statements about Starbucks in order to draw customers away from their caffeine havens. Yes Vander Plaats went so far as to say that Starbucks claimed, “God’s design of marriage is bad for America”.

Class act.

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You don’t see him going after Google, Nike or Microsoft but somehow Starbucks was a better target. This raises a few interesting points though doesn’t it? First, why not go after the big guns there Mr. Vander Plaats? Let’s see you boycott Google. Go ahead. Secondly, and I hate to say this but believe it needs to be pointed out – Target became a villain (to some people) due to its support for an anti-gay candidate. Although I whole-heartedly agree with Starbucks (and Google etc…) and appreciate their public support of marriage equality, at what point is it okay for these companies to get involved, or is it?

Oh and one last thing – Vander Plaats received a new nick name – HBIC (head bigot in charge). Anyone else just have a flashback of I Love New York (NSFW)? That reminds me – whatever happened to Tiffany Pollard? I mean we all know where Flavor Flav is.

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News Necessities: Sue
Sue likes sticking to the important issues and brings you one post every Tuesday to highlight a recent event or media frenzy and dissect it.

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Diffuse 5 is a website providing events, news, articles, products and interviews for the lesbian, bisexual, transgender and queer community in Boston and beyond.

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“My boyfriend had some props and toys that he’d used with a former lover, and even though I knew it was silly, it bothered me. I felt like those things had memories attached to them, of that other woman, so we threw them out and got new ones just for us.”

“My toys come with me from partner to partner, just as my partners’ toys have stayed with them. I’ll be honest that I’ve definitely paused before using a toy with someone new that was a favorite with someone else, but I have yet to retire a toy completely (the one exception is a toy that my ex gave me to use on her, and that somehow got lost when I moved but that I couldn’t have imagined using with someone else anyway). Often, when I’m dating someone new, I do buy a new toy or two that seems particularly appropriate to her tastes – but I don’t totally phase out the old. Hence, I have a foolishly oversized toy collection given my currently single state.”

“When “toys” equal harness, dildos, butt plugs, etc. they go from relationship to relationship. When “toys” equals something like a collar? ditch it….If you care enough to invest in some high quality gear then you should feel confident in saying “this X is about me and how I navigate my sexuality” and allow your partner to make room for that….”

Lipstick & Dipstick, a duo of butch/femme advice columnists for Curve,  weigh in as well. Check out what they have to say in the video: Your Old Bag of Tricks and Dicks.  Lipstick & Dipstick debate within the context of monogamy, chivalry and a little cheesiness, but regardless of your relationship style they outline many of the arguments we’ve heard from both sides (yay vs. nay) of this loaded issue: should one re-use sex toys? Lipstick says that recycling is a no-no due to “vaginal voodoo” meaning the negative energy that comes from a relationship gone wrong, but Dipstick makes a good case for deeper consideration that includes many of the points we’ll be touching on in this post. (OK, we’re done with the puns…for now.)
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Not-so-Finicky Femme: “First of all, get rid of ‘all those’ pictures of exes strewn about the house. Don’t rub anyone’s face – whether Ms. Right or Ms. Tonight – in where you’ve been. It’s tacky. Discussing previous relationships is definitely healthy when you’re working on a long term commitment, but that doesn’t mean you should bask in your past. But back to Lipstick’s point. Why is this ‘vaginal voodoo’ only important when having sex with your new lover-for-life? In the video, Lipstick implies that the bad energy does not matter when using a sex toy on yourself or even with a one night stand. And what happens when that one night stand turns into the girlfriend (which, let’s admit, isn’t sooooo farfetched in queer circles)? Pick up a new toy before you guys have sex!? Like, ever!? How is that even possible? These rules are too complicated!!! Although I may not agree with all of Dipstick’s points, I am with her on this one. And for the record, we titled this blog post before we saw this video.”
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Benevolent Butch: “Here’s one place that I think Not-so-Finicky Femme and I wholeheartedly agree. We’ve been doing some research. A lot of bloggers point out that Dan Savage (the Godfather of Sex Advice, as far as I’m concerned) is clear that re-using toys (especially in lesbian relationships) is a total faux pas.  But I would like to point out that it’s actually Claire Cavanah, the cofounder of Babeland, that believes ‘A lesbian couple’s dildos become suffused with the energy of the sex in the relationship, and end up symbolizing the sexual connection the poor doomed couple had. They belong to the relationship’, which Dan equates to ‘dyke-ass mumbo jumbo’. I think deferring to Claire’s judgment on this one was a cop-out Dan, but I can’t say I totally disagree with his assessment of her recommendation to ditch the dildo. Claire does own a sex toy empire after all, so new purchases mean new business. I’m sure she does strive to give good advice and this is a tough question to tackle, but I absolutely disagree with the generalization of her assessment. My toys are my toys. They do not belong to a relationship. I mean, at least that’s how I feel about my own strap-on. I invested a lot of personal time and energy into selecting my bedfellow. If I had an emotional attachment to it that came from my previous relationship or if my girlfriend had really strong feelings about it, sure I would consider a replacement. But I don’t think that should be the norm.”
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Not-so-Finicky Femme: “It’s not an easy decision for everyone. For example, one blogger I came across (Christine Garvin) was clearly torn. She went on to point out that ‘no matter how much you clean a sex toy, you can’t scrub off the energy of the other person you used it with.’ Now I have some strong beliefs about energy. While there are ways of cleansing items of old energy, if you connect a toy with an old relationship, rather than with your own sexuality, ditch it. If it is a personal item, like Benevolent Butch’s strap on, (meaning it is “yours”, not “both of yours”, and you own it, both physically and energetically) keep it. But even if it is something that you feel is yours in that way, it is still a great idea to energetically cleanse it after a relationship ends. This could entail a formal cleansing based on your religious/spiritual tradition and beliefs, or simply a really good, thorough physical cleansing, coupled (Sorry, no more puns, I forgot.) with the intent to remove the old energy and perhaps prepare it for someone new or for yourself. For the sake of comparison, back when I was sleeping with men, none of them ever offered to buy a new penis at the start of each new relationship. I did, however, insist that they wash said penis after taking it out of said ex’s vagina, and before putting it into mine. Again, I’ll repeat, condoms are a great (and important) way to supplement this type of caution with both penises and dildos.”
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Benevolent Butch: “Speaking of the blogs, Em & Lo have some very strong feelings about re-gifting sex toys.  That’s right, they call it re-gifting. My dick is a gift to you. Seriously, *gag*! But as far as Em & Lo are concerned, re-using (aka ‘re-gifting’) is ‘just plain disrespectful (and kinda gross)…Who wants a toy that’s been manhandled, possibly dropped on the floor, or even licked by your dog?’ OMG!! If your sex toy has been licked by your dog, you have bigger problems. CLEAN YOUR ROOM! And then clean your sex toys. And if you don’t trust someone to keep their toys clean, don’t use sex toys with that person. Em & Lo go on to claim that strapping on old faithful is akin to re-playing a sex tape from your last failed relationship (who makes tapes anymore…?), but as Not-so-Finicky Femme and I have pointed out – not all sex toys are selected based on who you’re fucking.”
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Not-so-Finicky Femme: “Yes. Benevolent Bush- I mean, Benevolent Butch is right. Clean your sex toys. Always. This is a requirement!! If you want to reduce the risk of infection and STIs, do your research based on the material, shape and mechanical components used in the toys you and your partner(s) own. If it’s rubber, toss it unless everyone who has or will use the toy is fluid bonded. Even then, it’s best to use condoms to be sanitary. Silicone is a great non-porous material, but any breaks in the surface can harbor infection. A crack in your silicone doesn’t mean you have to throw the toy away, but be sure to use a condom every time. Glass and metal toys reduce the hazard of trapped bacteria, offer some cheaper alternatives to silicone and expand your lube options, but a crack in the glass can mean bigger problems. If your glass toy shows any signs of distress, stop using it immediately or you risk a major break during sex. Glass also has no additives, no allergens and no chemical residues so it’s considered a green option. No word on whether you CAN throw that in the regular old recycle bin, but it’d be interesting to find out. High quality glass can also be used for erotic hot/cold play (which I quite like) by freezing (yes, please!) or boiling the material. Brown University has a guide to selecting and maintaining your toys that rocks my world. You can also find some in-depth instruction at Babeland.”
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Benevolent Butch: “I would also like to add a more personal tangent to this discussion. It’s driving me CRAZY that just about all of the opinions we’ve reviewed put the onus on the butch to own/purchase said sex toys. They also place a lot of emphasis on ‘being polite’ like the answer to this question is all about femme comfort and pleasure. WTF? I love to play around with chivalry, but I don’t think this should become an expectation from our community. And what about when there isn’t a butch in the relationship? Or two butches…? Is anyone getting a new vag between relationships? Whether you wear a tie or a skirt, it is not specifically your responsibility to navigate proper sex toy exploration within a relationship on your own. Look at how much insight Not-so-Finicky Femme had on toy selection. She definitely taught me a thing or two. This just goes to show that any answer to this question really comes down to a very personal decision – for you, your partner (or partners) and the relationship (or relationships). We’ve already over-thought the whole thing WAY too much here in an effort to highlight most of the variables to consider. Take a deep breath and just figure out how YOU feel. Find out how your partner feels regardless of your gender roles. Does she have triggers that may affect her level of comfort? Do you feel like your sex toys are an extension of you and your sexuality? Is she offering to replace your toy with a brand-new equivalent model? Maybe that’s a fair compromise.”
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Not-so-Finicky Femme: “Some type of discussion is definitely warranted. You may not want to come right out and say hey baby, mind if I bang you with my used Njoy Fun Wand. However, feeling out your partner’s feelings, concerns and boundaries around any and all sexual activity is generally very helpful. One MeFi thread commenter had suggested ‘When feasible, always keep the original packaging. Then you can unbox with your new partners. Problem solved.’ Really?! Now that’s just terrible. If the relationship is more serious than a one-night stand, then hopefully you’ve been working on building trust. Talk about violating it!!! It’s one thing to leave things up to your house guest’s imagination, but don’t start intentionally deceiving people and don’t assume your new flame is going to have an issue with your treasure chest. She may be relieved that she doesn’t have to start you off with training wheels. If you do decide out with the old and in with the new, check out Treehugger.com, SexToyRecycling.com or these tips for recycling all sorts of tricky items. After all, you can’t just toss your strap-on into the plastics bin. You can even get new post-consumer toys from some of these places…”
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Benevolent Butch: … “But that’s not going to help with ‘vaginal voodoo’ because now nobody knows where that silicone has been. For some creative and kinky butch reviews, visit The Surgarbutch Chronicles and stay tuned for some more insight from Between Her Sheets.”
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How would you feel if your suitor pulled out a sex toy of unknown origin? Would you be wondering where she got the toy…how long she’s had it…where it has been? What about your own toys? Would you part ways for a romp in the hay?
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The writers:

Keira (aka Not-so-Finicky Femme) is a totally awesome righteous femme, who’s never sure how comfortable she feels identifying as femme. She likes Converse All-Stars, PBR, The Beer Hoodie, and sex with hot girls. People still think she’s straight sometimes anyway. Weird.

Sam (aka Benevolent Butch) identifies as genderqueer, but finds herself interpreted as and speaking from a butch perspective on the regular. One weekend, a fellow Diffuse 5-er exclaimed that Sam just HAD to be at the local female – transsexual / transgender / intersex / genderqueer  friendly – kinkster / BDSM / fetish demo. You know, just your typical Sunday Funday afternoon. Swoon. Sam suddenly realized… or maybe just finally embraced the fact that she’s pretty much always looking for any excuse to talk about sex. And an idea was born.

Sitting at a table with a gaggle of French winemakers, the audience was boisterous and ready for good food.  I’m normally a root vegetable person, but the list was chock full a fresh local produce (the owners themselves have a farm in New Hampshire where they get much of their goods), so I ventured into the beet salad as an entree.  It was more like a palate of paint than a salad.  Served on a slate of dark grey stone, singular beets stood and varied in color, from gold to blood red.  The tops poked up like fireworks and the flavor was fresh and earthy, but not too dirty.  Paired with smooth goat cheese and crunchy oats encircling the salad, the whole dish was clean and light but heavy in healthy flavor.

Having gotten my vegetables out of the way, I was ready for some good ol’ fashioned red meat…I am part French after all!  (Don’t know if you knew how much the cheese lovers of Pa-ree love their beef) I went for a rib eye steak.  The presentation itself was hard to top – the plate came covered in what looked like a glass cake plate lid.  It was hard to see the meal from a smoke swirling inside.  When the lid was removed, the smoke wafted to my nose in a delicious aroma and cleared to show beautiful slices of rib eye steak, on a mash of horsradish.  The beef was delicious and tender, and accompanying sunchokes, similar to water chestnuts, added a crisp crunch in opposition.

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The meal was finished off with a crazy play on the old classic, peanut butter and jelly.  A dollop of concord grape sorbet was set on a biscuit, and finely ground peanuts were dusted around the plate.  I didn’t know how it was going to work, but the whole combination brought me back to the elementary school dining hall, except I would have been wearing a tux the flavor was so mature.  The Frenchies around me didn’t really get the nostalgic culinary reference, but the flavors popped and I was digging the play on food.

The whole meal was balanced, clean, and hearty, but didn’t leave you feeling like you needed to open that top pants button.  Using local products and simple French/American styles of cooking, it’s a treat for the senses.  The food is upscale, but the atmosphere is anything but stuffy.  Friendly servers and a low key ambiance make for truly enjoyable surroundings, to match a truly enjoyable dining venture.  If you’re looking for a night to seriously enjoy a meal, Salts is a corner not to be missed.

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FIND SALTS:
798 Main Street, Cambridge, MA
# 617 876 8444

Hours of Operation:
Tuesday through Saturday
6:00 pm to 10:00 pm

*All photography taken from the Salts Restaurant website

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Jehanne
Daughter of a French father and Tennessean mother, Jehanne has grown up to see across the spectrum of culinary options that exist in the world.  A lover of all food, from a fine aged cheese to a heaping plate of chicken wings, she is willing to try most anything …except salmon, which she’s allergic to.

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Diffuse 5 is a website providing events, news, articles and interviews for the lesbian, bisexual, transgender and queer community.

Unfortunately, odds are good that you’re not a child (if you actually are, um, please stop reading now and go do your homework or something). No, you’re an adult. Maybe you’re a single adult who, despite your insistence that Valentine’s Day is a farce/load of bull/tool of the Corporate 1% Monster of Capitalism, would actually really like to engage in adult activities with another lonely heart. Maybe you’ll meet each other at Trader Joe’s on VDay Eve, each with your little basket filled with Two Buck Chuck and frozen pizza-for-one and an entire gallon of ice cream-for-one. Maybe you’ll meet at Speed Dating, brave souls. Maybe you’ll meet in a bar; she’ll drive a funky car. Wherever and however you two crazy kids first lock eyes, you’re gonna need something later to really seal the deal. (The deal is sex.) My suggestion? Sexy undies. You don’t want to gamble with your undergarments, because nothing can kill a mood faster than granny panties or dingy drawers. Give these fashionable unmentionables a whirl and you’ll be having the awkward, “So, we’re girlfriends now, right?” morning-after conversation before you know it.
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I might have mentioned this once or twice or at every given opportunity, but I think a lady in retro style clothing is the ultimate in hotness. I’m talking three-alarm chili hot. Surface of the sun hot. That one scene in Bound between Gina Gershon and Jennifer Tilly that every dyke has memorized hot. So naturally, I looked to the pin-up girls of days gone by to find intimate inspiration for the femme on the prowl. Two companies who are really working the Bettie Page-worshipping crowd are Pinup Girl Clothing and What Katie Did.
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Pinup Girl Clothing is offering the sort of ruffled hot shorts that one usually sees on the stages of TraniWreck and Rogue Burlesque. Sounds like the perfect opportunity for a private show, if you know what I mean. (What I mean is sex.) If you’d like a bit more coverage (which just means a longer striptease), they’ve also got a shaping body briefer that’ll accentuate those killer curves.
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Apparently Katie Did something right, as evidenced by the drool stains on my keyboard. I had a helluva time trying to pick my favorite pieces here. There’s the Maitresse Collection, an all-black assortment of pseudo-dominatrix wear. And if you value fashion over breathing (who doesn’t?), they’ve got plenty of corsets to choose from. The classic overbust corset is a deadly weapon of professional femme fetales. Or, if you want something more VDay-specific, the Pigalle corsets come in a romantic shade of red. Ooh la la, and all that jazz.

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Looking for the finishing touch to your Seduction 101 ensemble? Ladies, seamed stockings are where it’s at. Evidence: here’s some hidden camera footage of me browsing this site. I highly doubt that I’m alone in this reaction.
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For those of us on the other end of the gender presentation spectrum, well, we don’t really have “sexy” underwear. “Sexy” is in quotes here, meaning “specifically designed to promote the enthusiastic rubbing of one’s genitals against those of another person,” not “attractive.” Because, let’s be honest, plenty of dykes appreciate a butch in boxers. And the nice thing about boxers/boxer briefs (besides being super comfy) is that you can have pictures of stuff on them. Lovey dovey stuff, too, like candy hearts and glow in the dark hearts and pandas! (What? Everybody loves pandas. This is science.)
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OK, so what if you’re not really the lacy underthings type or the macho boxers type, but still want to (un)dress to impress your date? I highly suggest checking out Let’s Be Brief, an underwear company by queers, for queers. LBB’s quirky designs will both make ‘em smile (humor is an underrated seduction technique) and provide for plenty of pillow talk if things go well, if you know what I mean. (What I mean is, once again, sex.)
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Phew! Is it just me, or is it really hot in here? Answer: it’s all of us. I hope I’ve helped you find the right “surprise” to make this a Valentine’s Day worth U-Hauling remembering. Go forth and be sexy – but first, leave us some love in the comments. Keep it PG! Or just email Ashley the “unedited” version. Whichever.

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Bren
Bren is a self-identified butch lesbian geek Masshole with a passion for comic books, action figures, queer issues, flannel, and pretty femmes. She’s also the founder and resident Friendly Neighborhood Butch of the blog Buzz Cuts and Bustiers.

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Diffuse 5 is a website providing events, news, articles and interviews for the lesbian, bisexual, transgender and queer community in Boston and beyond.

I’m pretty sure I could have happily lived my my whole life without seeing that image. I’m going to go out on a ledge here and say I bet most of you agree (except maybe for my cousin Michael – but he’s a little eccentric). In any event, I tend to wonder what the point was for this. Newsweek, and Daily Beast are two of my go-to news sources. And sure, Newsweek is a little quirky, a little off center – but it was a relatively fierce competitor to TIME… I still remember reading John McCain’s piece on torture (before he got all mavricky) and feeling like my magazine purchase was money well spent. So when when covers like this one come out, I tend to wonder if the “wow-factor” is worth the possible dip in the publication’s overall image. I mean was this in good taste? Well, with the unnecessary lack of clothing, my personal opinion is no.
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But some folks do go straight for the wow-factor without thinking about the repercussions don’t they? I mean just the other day I tried rocking a Forever Lazy…yeah lesson learned, I personally just couldn’t pull it off.
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But then I read about the woman who wanted to marry a building – and it was… uh… a “gay marriage”. :scratches head: That’s right. According to the Huffington Post Babylonia Aivaz, dressed up in a flowing white gown, and veil, and ceremonially wed a 107-year-old abandoned building in Seattle. The reason behind the wedding? Well it is scheduled to be demolished by the city and replaced with luxury apartments. Ms. Aivaz wanted to save it…via marriage… and turn it into a community center.
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You can check out the footage online, and I highly recommend it – they do a riveting rendition of “Lean on Me”. But as for the gay wedding thing. I was a little intrigued. Was it because legislators in Washington state were debating marriage equality? Was it simply because Aivaz was a lesbian? Well we don’t know but, she claimed she was for marriage equality. And Aivaz and her group of activists stated that if a corporation could be a person – so could a building, and this one just happened to be female. And there it is – mystery solved.
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But at what point was it taken too far – or was it? I personally don’t see a problem with a “gay building wedding” (there’s a sentence I never thought I’d write). It brings two issues to light – gentrification (according to Aivaz) and marriage equality. Was it over the top? Probably. But was it for a good cause? In this case I’d say yes. I mean now a few more of us know about her movement to save a building. So unlike Newsweek where awkward pictures just make us cringe – at least these pictures and videos are for a good cause…

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News Necessities: Sue
Sue likes sticking to the important issues and brings you one post every Tuesday to highlight a recent event or media frenzy and dissect it.

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Diffuse 5 is a website providing events, news, articles, products and interviews for the lesbian, bisexual, transgender and queer community in Boston and beyond.

We feel your pain, really. This week’s post WAS extra challenging to write. Somehow we were not able to focus as usual. Because we care so much, we were forced to spend much of the week indulging in… distractions. Hot, sultry, dirty so-bad-it’s good distractions. The kind of distractions that just tie you in knots and umm… what was I saying? Distracted again. It seems we need another “break.” In the meantime, just read the post, you’ll get the picture.

First, let’s start with the basics. Kink doesn’t just mean give me more. Although sexual preferences are generally a hard topic to tackle, kinks are a bit more complicated. Just so we’re all on the same page, when we say kink, we’re talking…

…sexual practices (that) go beyond what are considered conventional sexual practices as a means of heightening the intimacy between sexual partners…Because of its relation to “normal” sexual boundaries, which themselves vary by time and place, the definition of what is and is not kink varies widely as well.

Talk about pressure!! What one femme fatale (or bawdy butch?) finds sultry and alluring, another may consider utterly terrifying or – even worse – hilarious. Within the kink community itself there’s even a lot of debate. The casual sex of single life or non-monogamous non-relationship can be very liberating. You may feel a little less shy about experimenting with someone you’re just getting to know. Or, maybe just the thrill of “newness” revs your engine on its own. But what happens when you’ve been dating someone for a while and the stakes are high because you …*gasp* have feelings?
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How do you break the ice and tell your friendly friend about a new – or long term, yet recently dormant – kink? Is it possible to set the stage before things even get serious?

Frisky Femme: “Well I for one am a big fan of sexy sex. Vanilla’s great…every once and a while. But sometimes you just need to switch it up. Bringing up a new idea – or even just the desire for some change – can certainly be a problem. Routines are hard to break. Comfort is, well, comfortable and I can be a little shy. OK, in my case, neurotic may be a better word.”
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Not-so-Bashful Butch: “A little bashfulness can be HOT. But it is nerve-racking to ‘be the one’ to initiate a conversation about a non-traditional turn-on, even if you’re not the shy one. I really like to just put things out there early, like very early, in the relationship. I love my kinks. LOVE them. It’s not that I like to lay all of my wet dreams out on the table, but at least test the waters with one of two suggestions. One of my greatest fears is having bad communication and I don’t want someone to think that any of my kinks are a deal breaker. They’re not. They’re just fun and sometimes that fun comes from context just as much as it comes from the act itself. So if my kink isn’t mutually enjoyable, I’m not going to get off. I’d prefer to explore ideas that we’ll both (or all) enjoy.”
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Frisky Femme: “All? How many people are you umm… ‘dating’…? Never mind. I don’t want to know. Before you roll your eyes, hear me out on this one. I actually found something about OKCupid useful aside from the plethora of single, poly, open, or otherwise available gay, bi, bi-curious or (again) otherwise available women. Those handy dandy questionnaires – admit it, they’re addictive – make it a little easier to just put things out there. With a couple clicks of the mouse you can be upfront about your passion for rimming while peeing while tied to a park bench having a threesome in public without feeling overly-crude, unless that’s your goal in which case you must have a fascinating profile and I am dying to read it. I mean, she decided to answer the same question so she could see your response, right? Really though, I am not saying you should put everything out there, but testing the waters like Not-so-Bashful Butch suggested can be helpful.
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Not-so-Bashful Butch: “Wait. Can you repeat that? Did you just say I’m right about something?!”
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Frisky Femme: “Oh my god, get over it. Go stroke your ego in the corner. Like I was saying, the questions on a site like OKCupid give your potential suitors a little insight, time to process and a bigger picture to consider while dating. Even if your sweetheart didn’t comb over your entire profile or you originally met in the ‘real world’, mulling over your own personal preferences does make broaching the topic a little easier later. Plus, you can use questions from an unbiased source like OKCupid (or a friend) to jumpstart your own offline discussions. The added bonus of OKCupid is mutual screening. Once I got a message from a girl who had kinks that were a bit too much even for me to handle. Thankfully, her profile let me know ALL about them (in graphic detail- yikes). Instead of spending hours preparing for what may have been a train wreck of a date, we both got to deliver (and cope with) our mutual rejection in the comfort of our own homes, without having to change out of our silky, lacy, leopard print (ok, ok… cotton and coffee stained) pajamas. Sexual forte was not the only red flag. We definitely were NOT compatible.”
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Not-so-Bashful Butch: “Proud_Vanilla and I had some lovely exchanges online. I have to say her user name made her preferences very clear. The problem is, I need SOME kink. Tried staying soft-core long-term. Just couldn’t get into it. If kink is a big part (or the entirety) of your life, the interwebs are definitely one way to weed out the ill-suited and irreconcilable prospects for everyone involved. Fetlife is also a great place to meet people if you know exactly what you have in mind or just to get the creative juices flowing if you’re looking for inspiration. Just tell your partner I sent you. Hell, if someone was really into braces I’d be golden. But I’m not sure I would be particularly interested in some of the more intense stuff that’s out there. At least not until it was in the context of a committed relationship/friendship-with-benefits built on trust and open communication. Maybe I’m less experimental than I thought. Ugh.”
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Frisky Femme: “Omg.  What does that make me?  A nun?”
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Not-so-Bashful Butch: “I think most nuns would be shocked by what you call an average Monday afternoon. But while we’re on the subject, I have some other suggestions for the more timid. Burlesque shows, drag and other fringe performances are a good time and definitely lend to some titillating discourse. Sometimes I go just to rekindle some inspiration, like the recent chicken themed burlesque show in San Francisco. Who knew?! Or you can play it even safer and guard your pride by simply sharing stories (whether true or…slightly exaggerated), articles, blog posts or any sexy little anecdote. It’s a great way to break the ice without much risk.”
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Frisky Femme: “What kind of blogs have YOU been reading? And why aren’t you sharing them with the rest of us!?”
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Not-so-Bashful Butch: “Well, the Savage Love podcast is always my favorite go-to. Ol’ reliable, really. I did use a random video once to tell my girlfriend about my knicker sniffer kink. It was short lived! Then she thought I stole her period underwear though. (Watch the video and it’ll all make sense.) So don’t forget to actually discuss the content you’re sharing at some point, even if you don’t want to immediately admit to your own personal interests. It’s very easy to over-shoot without a little communication. If kink really is a big, big, BIG part of your life, make sure it’s a big part of your community too. The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom provides a list of Kink Aware Professionals (KAP) that is super helpful. And that’s my PSA for the month.”
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Frisky Femme: “That’s all well and good, but one of my favorite kinks is the element of surprise. I think there is a time and place for just going for it. While opening the closet door to reveal a sex swing isn’t fodder for most casual hookups, once I’ve been with someone a few times, and we’ve had some level of exploratory conversation, we usually have a good sense for how open each of us is for a little impromptu exploration. Don’t go overboard, though. If the sex has been vanilla up until now, I wouldn’t surprise her with a golden shower, for example (I mean, I wouldn’t anyway, that’s not my bag, but no judgment if it’s yours). But I like it when a girl chooses something on a similar intensity level to what we’ve already done, and then just goes for it. Usually it’s best to start slowly at first, and make sure to ask if what you’re doing is ok. As long as it’s not totally out of anyone’s comfort zone, why not dive in and have some fun? Think: ‘She was licking me there and now she’s licking me -ooh- THERE.’ Fun, right?”
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So which way do you swing? Is just going for it just heading for disaster? How would you pave the way to exploring your panty raiding preferences? 

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The writers:

Keira (aka Frisky Femme ) is a totally awesome righteous femme, who’s never sure how comfortable she feels identifying as femme.  She likes cats, beer, rainbows, and sex with hot girls. People still think she’s straight sometimes anyway.  Weird.

Sam (aka Not-so-Bashful Butch) identifies as genderqueer, but finds herself interpreted as and speaking from a butch perspective on the regular. One weekend, a fellow Diffuse 5-er exclaimed that Sam just HAD to be at the local female – transsexual / transgender / intersex / genderqueer  friendly – kinkster / BDSM / fetish demo. You know, just your typical Sunday Funday afternoon. Swoon. Sam suddenly realized… or maybe just finally embraced the fact that she’s pretty much always looking for any excuse to talk about sex. And an idea was born.

Add some style to the little black dress with an option like this one from AllSaints that has a slight shine and flattering draping. For some extra flair pair it with a these colored earrings and bright red suede pumps. For a more feminine look, I chose a pretty red lace dress, always a clear go-to color for Valentine’s day, and added some sex appeal with leopard pumps. For those who prefer pants to dresses, I’d go for a well-tailored look: a slick pair of skinny black pants with black oxfords, a white silk blouse, and a structured blazer. Instead of a tie (which would still be a great option) I chose to add a some intrigue with a large silver collar-style necklace, one of my current favorite trends that fits perfectly here. This same combo works well paired with a textured skirt, something with sequins or this floaty feather-trimmed option.

What are your dress up plans for Valentine’s Day this year?

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Erica Corey
Erica is a mostly femmey seven-year veteran of the fashion industry who loves avant garde and vintage style. When not perusing catwalk photos, editorials, and street style blogs, she is most passionate about advocacy, literature, design, and sports.

Sorry, everybody, but I already used up my one “overplayed pop song reference” ration for this month. What I haven’t used up yet, however, is my one “oh shit, I almost forgot about this upcoming major holiday that people buy stuff for” ration. Wait, never mind, I just did. People, look alive! Valentine’s Day is barreling down the tracks toward us faster than an out-of-control locomotive of love. Hey, Romeo – just what the heck are you getting your sweetie this year? You don’t know? Do you like sleeping on the couch? I sometimes do, because IKEA makes really comfy sofas, but that’s neither here nor there. The point is you gotta step your game up. Roses from Tedeschi’s and a dopey looking teddy bear will only get you so far (maybe to second base).
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To really take things home, you’ll need to put your mind into l’amore mode. What is one of the most romantic gifts you can think of? No, not a new Spare Parts harness (but close). A ring! Whoa there, my commitmentphobic friend, don’t freak out. I’m not suggesting you get down on one knee and ask your GF to do you the honor of undermining “opposite” marriages everywhere. I mean, at least wait for the traditional three months (give or take) of dating like a normal dyke.  What I’m saying is that rings are a classy piece of fashion that has been tainted by centuries of patriarchy and heteronormativity and Zales commercials, and that’s a damn shame. There’s nothing wrong with buying somebody a ring just to say, “Hey, you’re awesome and so is this piece of jewelry; you two should totally hang out.”Nothing. At. All.
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Now that I’ve deconditioned you all from your Pavlovian responses to ring purchasing, let’s take a looksee at some of my top finds for your flame’s finger. (And single ladies people, don’t worry – I’ve got a V-day post coming for you, too.)

Look, I know you’re a busy queer. You’ve got potlucks to organize, co-ops to build, heterosexual children to recruit, and LGBT organizations to support, and on top of all that, you’ve got some crazy butch yelling at you over the internet about rings. Why not consolidate your to-do list and get a gift that comes from a queer, charity-partnered designer? Love and Pride is an equality-focused jewelry company that’s super mondo gay and donates some of its proceeds to organizations like the Matthew Shepard Foundation. The ring selection is huge (and even includes actual engagement rings, in case you ever do decide to make an honest lesbian out of her – no pressure). There are plenty of feminine options, like this gray titanium rainbow ring, this stainless steel LOVE ring, and this 925 silver and pink tourmaline (I learned a new word) ring. If your lover is on the masculine side of things, you’ve also got some macho designs to choose from. This one looks like a nut (the kind found in a toolbox, pervs)! This one looks like brass knuckles! This one looks like…fire? Cool!
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Let’s say that you and your sugar pie (I’m starting to make even myself sick with these terms of endearment) are into supporting small businesses and designers. Who isn’t? Well my friend, you can do just that this Valentine’s Day and it won’t even involve putting on pants (the best moments in life are pants-less). Etsy, that e-oasis of handmade crafty stuff, is chalk-full of awesome, unique ring options. There’s this super-butch hammered distressed silver ring, which looks like it’s in some sort of Fight Club for Jewelry, and this geektastic steampunk-inspired copper opal ring. Earn yourself a smooch with this high-femme, high-bling Swarovski pearl and crystal ring, or this New Agey labradorite and oxidized silver ring, or a classic silver ring with her birthstone on it (don’t ask me what stone that is; she’s your girlfriend).
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Finally, my personal favorite ring ever in the history of rings (get ready; I’m about to out myself as a romantic sap): the Stump Ring by Aaron Ruff. (Get it? Sap? Tree? Oh, never mind.) It’s unique-looking, to say the least, and reminds me of The Giving Tree, a children’s book that still makes me cry is a classic. You can get it engraved with you and your honey bunny’s (barf) initials to celebrate any romantic occasion: First Valentine’s Day, First Anniversary, First Monthiversary, First Co-Parented Adopted Rescue Cat, etc.
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Ready to do some ring shopping, Diffuse 5-ers? Of course, because you’re all Champions of Love like that. After you’re done, mosey on down to the comments section and let us know what you got, where you got it, how much you got laid, or whatever steamy details you’d like to share with a million internet strangers.

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Bren
Bren is a self-identified butch lesbian geek Masshole with a passion for comic books, action figures, queer issues, flannel, and pretty femmes. She’s also the founder and resident Friendly Neighborhood Butch of the blog Buzz Cuts and Bustiers.

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Diffuse 5 is a website providing events, news, articles and interviews for the lesbian, bisexual, transgender and queer community in Boston and beyond.

But my point is I’m kind of over the GOP race and a simple website held my attention longer than this debate. Romney attacked Gingrich’s credibility, and Camp Gingrich responded with (and OK this is kind of brilliant) a “list” of Mitt’s “conservative achievements” which is just a blank page… Meanwhile Ron Paul just looks more and more like Mr. Magoo. Why haven’t I seen that similarity before?

But aside from all the back and forth in Florida, legislators in Washington state actually made history yesterday. The state’s Senate held a hearing on the same-sex marriage bill, and although it apparently has wide support in the House, and will probably be passed by the governor, the Senate was the main concern for civil rights leaders.

Sen. Mary Margaret Haugen was the deciding factor, and her support tipped the scales in favor of same-sex marriage. But it’s her reasoning behind the decision that I find most interesting about this story. According to the Senate Democrats blog, Haugen said in part:

“I have very strong Christian beliefs… For me personally, I have always believed in traditional marriage between a man and a woman. That is what I believe, to this day. But this issue isn’t about just what I believe. It’s about respecting others, including people who may believe differently than I. It’s about whether everyone has the same opportunities for love and companionship and family and security that I have enjoyed.”

She continues on for a few more paragraphs, but simply put, this woman in my eyes, is a true servant of the people. She’s honest about her own beliefs and values (which I’m sure will continue to win her bonus points among her constituents) but she also sees the importance of giving same-sex couples the same rights and privileges of everyone else. Nice work Senator.

The state House is also expected to pass the measure and if it passes the Senate and House during this legislative session, Washington would be the seventh state to legally offer same-sex marriage, as early as June. Opponents of course are already threatening to file a referendum if the bill does become law…but good luck with that.

So cheers to Washington – and if you really want to celebrate the state (OK the band called Washington, but close enough), Drinkify suggests 10oz. of Southern Comfort on the rocks with berries. Annnd perhaps a bucket for later…but that’s just *my* suggestion.

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News Necessities: Sue
Sue likes sticking to the important issues and brings you one post every Tuesday to highlight a recent event or media frenzy and dissect it.

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Diffuse 5 is a website providing events, news, articles, products and interviews for the lesbian, bisexual, transgender and queer community in Boston and beyond.